FADE IN:

INT. DORM ROOM – DAY

Martin lies in bed, asleep.

MARTIN (v.o.)

This is me. Martin Blackwell.

He opens his eyes, and propels himself up into a sitting position.

INT. DORM ROOM – DAY

Martin’s roommate, ZEKE, sits at his desk, scrolling through Facebook.

MARTIN (v.o.)

This is Zeke. In a second, he’s going to complain about what a shitty roommate I am.

Martin opens the door of his room to leave. Zeke stands from his desk.

ZEKE

Wait, Martin. We need to talk.

Martin rolls his eyes and turns around.

ZEKE

I can’t deal with you anymore. You have to start making an effort–

MARTIN (v.o.)

Ugh. Not this again.

Zeke’s talking changes from English to “blah blah blah” sounds.

Martin rolls his eyes and leaves.

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

Martin sprawls out carelessly in a desk, sitting in a circle with six other college kids, and one PROFESSOR (40).

MARTIN (v.o.)

Philosophy recitation: my personal hell. The TA has no idea how to run a class.

PROFESSOR

Looks like Amanda’s not here again today…I guess she must be going on an odyssey of the mind!

The professor smiles ingratiatingly. Martin glares at him from across the circle.

MARTIN (v.o.)

What a clown.

The professor’s face is covered in clown makeup as he smiles around the circle, waiting for responses.

INT. HALLWAY – DAY

Martin walks down a nearly-empty hallway with his hands stuffed into his pockets. He looks ahead with eyes at half-mast, as if the world bores him too much to keep them open.

MARTIN (v.o.)

I think I’m just going to drop out. This school is such a joke, I can’t stand–

Martin rounds a corner, and crashes into a girl, JULIE.

JULIE

Ow! What the hell, idiot!

They both get to their feet, glaring at each other.

MARTIN

Who’re you calling an idiot, idiot?

Julie’s expression turns disgusted.

JULIE

Um, ew. Are you flirting with me?

MARTIN

Why the hell would I flirt with you?

JULIE

I don’t know, creep! Maybe you want to date me!

MARTIN

There’s no way I’d date you!

JULIE

Well why don’t you come to Stever at 7 and prove it!

MARTIN

Fine!

JULIE

Fine!

Julie stalks off. Martin is left standing alone. His face slowly changes from angry to bewildered.

MARTIN (v.o.)

What the fuck.

INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

Martin and Julie sit across from each other in a restaurant booth, scowling at each other over their menus.

MARTIN (v.o.)

Say something, idiot!

MARTIN

…Ever seen Spy Kids?

JULIE

No.

MARTIN (v.o.)

Shit. Now she probably thinks I’m some kind of loser.

JULIE (v.o.)

What a loser.

Martin now has ‘LOSER’ written across his forehead.

MARTIN (v.o.)

Well, she’s so hot, either.

JULIE (v.o.)

His taste in restaurants sucks.

MARTIN (v.o.)

Her makeup could’ve been done by a five-year-old .

JULIE (v.o.)

His hair makes him look like a douchebag.

MARTIN (v.o.)

I bet her breath stinks.

JULIE (v.o.)

I bet his feet look weird.

MARTIN (v.o.)

She probably didn’t understand Inception.

JULIE (v.o.)

He probably fakes reading long books.

MARTIN (v.o.)

She hasn’t even seen Spy Kids.

The waiter appears at their table, snapping them out of their thoughts. They stare at him incredulously as he rattles through his prepared dialogue.

WAITER

Hi! Welcome to Daryl’s. I’m Randall, and I’ll be your server this evening. Our soup of the day is chicken noodle, and the chef’s special is pork roast with caramelized onions.

MARTIN

Are you finished?

WAITER

Oh, um, yes. Are you ready to order?

JULIE

Um, does it look like we’re ready to order?

MARTIN

Did we ask you to come over and bother us?

JULIE

What, is it your first day working here?

MARTIN

Why don’t you go learn how to do your job.

The waiter glances between the two of them, and walks away.

Martin and Julie turn back to each other with new interest.

MARTIN

So.

JULIE

So.

They hold each other’s gaze as they drink from their glasses of water, hiding smiles.

BOTH (v.o.)

Yeah, we’re gonna bone.